I’ve been through some stuff. And when giving relationship advice to my girlfriends, it’s natural to wanna dole out wisdom based on my experiences because hey, what else am I more qualified to speak on?

But here’s the thing. I don’t know the nuances of your relationship nor the intricacies of the person you love(d). No matter how many dirty details you give me, no matter how many play-by-plays I get of your never-ending volley of drama, no matter how well I know you, I’m never gonna truly understand. That’s the thing about love. F. Scott Fitzgerald once said, “‘There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.” Ain’t that the damn truth. Therefore, I’m never gonna truly understand your heartache and you’ll never quite know mine either.

Yet there’s a universal piece of breakup advice that is simple and applicable to every single one of my friends. And it goes something like this: just be honest with yourself. I squandered months of my life never moving on from someone. This happened because I lied to ME every single day, assuring myself I was “cool” with circumstances that were breaking me, making myself believe I could “hang” in a relationship that was chiseling away at my heart with every passing minute. I was lying through my teeth to my reflection in the mirror, scrounging for scraps on my hands and knees because I cared so much. But the bottom line is nothing about that relationship was OK with me. I was hurting and desperate. If only I’d leveled with myself about this from the get-go instead of wearing my Cool Laid-Back Girl hat, I would’ve moved on and found my “happy” so much faster.

My general rule is, “Do it till it’s not fun anymore.” Sure, this many seem juvenile, but it makes sense. If a person and/or relationship is causing you more anguish than joy, why are you investing any of your precious time in it? Good love is easy, with far fewer questions and zero lingering doubts. If you find yourself frowning, stressing, or stalking more than you’re smiling, laughing, and relaxing, it’s a surefire sign you left those Rose-Colored Contacts in for way too long. Now they’re probably plastered to your eyeballs and messing with your vision.

So regardless of what you’re going through, I advise this: be honest with yourself about your terms of happiness. Are you seriously cool with Situation X? Don’t let a fear of being alone dictate your decisions, driving you to accept circumstances that simply aren’t OK in your heart of hearts. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t get defensive. Take an earnest look in the mirror (if you wanna get real, try a dressing room 3-way mirror because that view is more sobering than a lie-detector) and ask, “Am I really happy with this person/relationship dynamic/etc.?” If you so much as flinch, you have your answer.

I can’t tell you not to call him. I can’t tell you not to see him. I can’t tell what’s right for you. My horse isn’t that high (or even existent, but a young girl’s horse dream never dies). All I can do is encourage you to be honest with YOU. Strip the situation down and privately admit how you really feel about it. You deserve the world, babe. Don’t block yourself from having it by playing a sad game of charades.. with yourself.